I have lurked here for more than a year. I am frustrated because I know most of the information. My core issue is my spouse (who is the home maker) is very weak in these areas. Now of course I preach these tenants continuosly and my spouse occasionally has moments of adherance.
Unfortunately, theres no continuity.
I make good money, but never seem to have a penny. We have the usual:
- House and Second (I know, I know, read above)
- Two cars (One gets paid off in November 08)
- One credit card (less than 2K in balance)
Here is the biggie!
IRS debt! I currently owe 5K on a debt from 5 years ago that was 500 and was created by a tax preparer issue.
I think I am doing OK… But have moments of terror and fear. I currently work a contract at the “Largest software manufacturer in the world” It ends in November. The tech sector has been rough with multiple unemployments and such.
So thats me now you know.
What Dave told me last March when I called to tell him there was a 50/50 chance of my looking for work by the first of the year, was to stop baby step 1 and begin making minimum payments and save up because I could see the emergency which might be hitting. As it turned out, the new contract came through and I am not look for employment. The savings then goes directly back to baby step 1.
What is missing/lacking in her life that she is fulfilling by spending or ‘collecting’ or whatever it is? Some women ‘need’ clothes because they feel unattractive without, etc… Can you help her with that? I’m very goad oriented, I like to accomplish, and for a long time, collecting books seemed like an accomplishment to me. Esp. Ebay cause you get a rush with countdown etc… What is going on with her?
Perhaps, LOVINGLY, you can discuss this with her (realize you also have many faults, this is just one of hers). See what practical way to reign it in.
First, so where IS your money going? You don’t really seem to know or at least aren’t mentioning it. If you don’t have it to pay your debt, then where is it? How can you reduce that?
Practical steps can be, for me for instance, one is just not even going to the store as often (walmart etc..) because I love good deals. So going 2x a month instead of 4, or even once. Or hubby does the shopping for us – that’s even better.
Does she want to get out of the house? What could you substitute that won’t get you both into more trouble? I love things for the house and kids. Harder to buy it if you’re not there. Saves a lot.
Eating out too much? Help her cook, make it a special time together or family time. Make it a positive. Are you really willing to do what it takes to help her? Are you giving her time or attention, or is she filling that void with ‘things’?
More than likely you can help way more than you realize, by loving her. Not always I know, but it certainly can’t hurt. Few woman are going to be able to resist a honestly, deeply loving and humble man who communicates kindly with her.
Look high and low for spending YOU do, not just her. If you can also just cut out something. Are you eating $7. lunches instead of taking your own? What do YOU spend money on?
Make a deal with her, if either of you spend money on those problem areas, then you have to sell some thing to make up for it etc.. or something like that. Now, don’t get crazy and sell a family heirloom or expect that from her. Solve the problem, never create more.
This really has to be done in love. You have got to concentrate on your shortcomings or you will come across as holier than thou, and she will shut you out, and probably spend more to ‘feel better’. If you think you are better than her, I’m sure you are kidding yourself frankly.
Also, help her concentrate and focus and get educated about it.
Does she like to read or watch tv? Watch some user friendly financial shows like Ramseys or Suze Orman every week and go the library and get Kiplinger or Smart Money magazines etc… Easier the better, not ‘Forbes’. Read some books – together. It’s going to have to be her goal also.
The video to watch:
Honestly and humbly communicate exactly what is going on. Explain earnestly how much it worries you and feels like such a load, a burden and how much you need her help with this. If you have the right attitude (I can’t stress that enough, if you can’t tell). How much more happiness there would be, freedom, less stress, and you could enjoy everything without guilt, all the benefits. Share your HEART with her, just be humble.
Make a list of all your failures in life, write them down if need be before talking with her. Most of our lists would be pretty long. Is there someone, a couple, you could be accountable to? Neither of you will want to fail, when you have to talk about it to them also.
Remember, losing your marriage is way worse than debt. A much greater failure. If it makes you feel any better, your debt actually doesn’t sound so bad to me. One thing I found out, when I owed the IRS a little bit of money, is that they were willing to set up a payment schedule. I just had to keep careful records, because they tried to tell me I owed them an extra payment! If that debt is the one that’s really stressing you out, you might want to tackle it first and work out something with them. But keep track of *everything*–that was my experience.